good vs bad

I can't sleep, I'm tired, but I can't sleep; too many things floating around in my mind. Memories mainly, some good, some bad, and some in the limbo stage. The limbo stage is the worst memories of all because those memories are the ones that I can't forget, but want to forget.

I watched My Fair Lady tonight, and even though I love that movie, it is the cause of my "memory flood". I first watched that movie with my Aunt Jennifer, along time ago. I did not want to rent the movie, but she made me, and she forced me to watch it, I'm glad that she did. I love that movie, and it opened the door to my love for older, classical movies. So that should go in the good memory pile.

Then, I was on pinterest, my favorite obsession, and a picture of The Notebook scene when Ali and Noah are dancing in the street to I'll Be Seeing You. I love that movie, and that song, but then I remember what that song reminds me of, my ex boyfriend. We danced to that song, on Valentines Day, Anniversary, or anytime when we felt like it. Certain songs I cannot listen to because they remind me of him, and then I ask myself why does that matter anymore? It's been almost a year, why does it still matter? I think the reason it matters is because I cannot figure out if I should remember, or want to remember. That's a limbo memory.

A bad memory? Well, that would be my mother, my mother is my bad memory. I'm almost 20, and it's been almost 4 years since "it" happened. Four years! I cannot believe it, but then I can when I really think about it. I hate my mother, and I know I should not hold unto such ill feelings towards someone, let alone my mother, but I cannot help it. I lost my doll she gave me when I was four, maybe it's ironic I lost it when it will be four years in September, but I loved that doll. She was with me through it all, and I knew if I cried to her about what my mom did to me, before everyone knew, she wouldn't tell anyone and I could trust her.

Maybe I'm just emotional because I'm stressed, and PMSing like no other, but maybe I'm emotional because I miss my Aunt Joyce like no other, and I miss Lammers and my best friend. Crying alone can be good, but sometimes I just need someone to wipe my tears and tell me it will be okay and that I can do it. That's my good memory. My "family" is the best memory I could ask for.

My nails are painted Tiffany colors, which brings another memory; a good one. Maybe I should just think of the good ones, but in my weak moments I remember the terrible memories, and the limbo memories too. It happens, and it's going to happen, I just shouldn't let it bother me as much as it does.

Memories are memories, but the memories we choose to hold onto is something we can control.

'tis all

live for the moment

I've had a few ups and downs in my life, but I always refused to give up. I had my moments of wondering what is wrong with ME, or why isn't my life like a movie, but it always left me wondering. Everyone told me to "chase my dreams" and to "follow my heart..", but sometimes doing that causes one to make mistakes, or take chances, even though chances can lead to heartache or regret.

"Never regret something that once made you smile"

This quote makes me question everything in my life I once regret or still regret to this day. Regret just causes negativity and a bunch of "what if's" and I, personally, am not a fan of what if's. what if's lead to thinking and thinking leads to over-thinking, and over-thinking just leads to hating life, ha.

This year I have decided to be more spontaneous and just go with what I'm feeling at the moment when I'm feeling it, because then I can't regret not doing something. On the other hand, if something does happen that is not so good, then I don't have to live my life wondering what would happen if I wouldn't of done what I've did or will do.

Everyone talks about resolutions for the new year, and most have to do with lose weight or random things like that. My resolution is to live in the moment because then when I'm older I don't have to look back and regret not doing something I, at the moment, wanted to do. If this means giving up on something, then I guess I have to give up, and move on to the next thing, right?

But here comes the downside; I'm not ready to give up on somethings, more directly some people, or a person. Giving up to me means failure, and I do not like failure, and it also makes me feel weak; I do not like feeling weak. I know I can't be strong all the time, but I sure as hell can try, right?